The truth

Oddly enough I wrote this listening to Professor Green - Goodnight. There is something about that backing track that helps me write, and without getting too detailed, listening to how he flows his bars helped me structure these following words in a way I can read back. This is probably a little exaggerated  but it is how I feel. If you struggle to follow, maybe reading with that track on will help, its on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_845816&v=gmD9qGKsbBU&feature=iv

This is for me, shedding light on my own turmoil, just feel like sharing it may give a different view on how i work...





I don't know what i've become, a stronger person with no aim, no guide, no life, nothing to put my energy into. just working to keep a roof above my head... no enjoyment and distance from my friends. distance from the old me and what I used to know. I don't enjoy life as I should just worry about the next pay-check, the next time police are knocking on my door, and why nothing goes my way.

I left myself back in that old room that I used to hate so much. What i would give to back in there, the old happier me. I cant deal with these uncertainties, this worry and this pain before the happiest time for a family. I stay awake with worry at night, and during the day i fight to stay focused. My mind is fighting every corner, every thought and every hope. I see no silver lining, no hope, no future. this time of year forces black into the red, sense into nothing and hope out the window. I feel trapped and constrained within this prison that I built for myself without realising it. I hate feeling this way but, without that light the tunnel gets dark.

Just want to run away and hide, cuddle back into a familiar home from home, with the people that care and love me, not be on my own, cold. If I'd done this for myself It would be fine, my own pace would have been preferred, but there was a push, perhaps a push too far. and now everything that i fought for is turning on me, my world collapsing between my hands, cant even grasp the grains of sand running through my fingers. The only light left for me is starting to dim and thats it; i'm caved in like Chilean miners, within my own mental tunnel.

I'm losing sight of what matters, in this darkness my eyes fail to focus, lost sight of the target of where my life was meant to go. Choices are made to learn from, and this curve is steeper by the hour. Losing loved ones from every side , everyone is a foundation crumbled away, unknowingly pushing what maters away, becoming a repulsion to my own light, the only thing i tried to build brighter, tried to do right by, but ended up making things worse. And now the only thing I had left doesn't know whether to shine in my life or not. But the blinds are up, blocking it up, these barriers I have no control, natural defence stronger than my own will. I say it doesn't hurt but it does, and if I admit it, know thats its worse than what I say.