The truth

Oddly enough I wrote this listening to Professor Green - Goodnight. There is something about that backing track that helps me write, and without getting too detailed, listening to how he flows his bars helped me structure these following words in a way I can read back. This is probably a little exaggerated  but it is how I feel. If you struggle to follow, maybe reading with that track on will help, its on youtube here: http://www.youtube.com/watch?annotation_id=annotation_845816&v=gmD9qGKsbBU&feature=iv

This is for me, shedding light on my own turmoil, just feel like sharing it may give a different view on how i work...





I don't know what i've become, a stronger person with no aim, no guide, no life, nothing to put my energy into. just working to keep a roof above my head... no enjoyment and distance from my friends. distance from the old me and what I used to know. I don't enjoy life as I should just worry about the next pay-check, the next time police are knocking on my door, and why nothing goes my way.

I left myself back in that old room that I used to hate so much. What i would give to back in there, the old happier me. I cant deal with these uncertainties, this worry and this pain before the happiest time for a family. I stay awake with worry at night, and during the day i fight to stay focused. My mind is fighting every corner, every thought and every hope. I see no silver lining, no hope, no future. this time of year forces black into the red, sense into nothing and hope out the window. I feel trapped and constrained within this prison that I built for myself without realising it. I hate feeling this way but, without that light the tunnel gets dark.

Just want to run away and hide, cuddle back into a familiar home from home, with the people that care and love me, not be on my own, cold. If I'd done this for myself It would be fine, my own pace would have been preferred, but there was a push, perhaps a push too far. and now everything that i fought for is turning on me, my world collapsing between my hands, cant even grasp the grains of sand running through my fingers. The only light left for me is starting to dim and thats it; i'm caved in like Chilean miners, within my own mental tunnel.

I'm losing sight of what matters, in this darkness my eyes fail to focus, lost sight of the target of where my life was meant to go. Choices are made to learn from, and this curve is steeper by the hour. Losing loved ones from every side , everyone is a foundation crumbled away, unknowingly pushing what maters away, becoming a repulsion to my own light, the only thing i tried to build brighter, tried to do right by, but ended up making things worse. And now the only thing I had left doesn't know whether to shine in my life or not. But the blinds are up, blocking it up, these barriers I have no control, natural defence stronger than my own will. I say it doesn't hurt but it does, and if I admit it, know thats its worse than what I say.

who i am

I don't think I'm a bad person. I don't have a hidden agenda or a malicious side to me. Granted, I can be an evil bugger at times when winding people up, but that's as far as it goes.

As a physical being though, I don't like who I am. I'm grossly over-weight (obese in the eyes of my doctor). When I go clothes shopping I end up getting in a foul mood because nothing fits me any more. I try to present myself nicely, but I find it impossible with the way I feel about myself. I try and lose it, but it just doesn't seem to happen. And now, if I don't lose it, I'm going to have a heart attack in 5 years. Fantastic.

This causes me to put the closest people to me through hell. I start rambling on about hating myself which just upsets people. But its how I feel.

Anyone who knows me will tell you how I've cut most shit out of my diet, I very rarely drink alcohol, I don't smoke, and I drink water a fair amount. Food wise its rare ill have a maccies or anything compared to how I used to be, I've bought a drumkit to help with exercise, ok I get tired but I don't seem to be losing anything, which makes me feel worse about myself.

I just wish there was some miricle pill to shift my size down. Not even a huge amount, I just wana fit in a size 34/36 again :/

My Problem?

My problem is that I feel out of place where ever I am. I can be in a night club with friends, at a gig with mates or just shopping, I don't feel like I'm meant to be there.

I'm at a gig, and I'm here with a tonne of people I know and get on with well, and one of the best mates a guy can ask for, yet I'm just on a chair in the corner watching the world. I feel disconnected from the world I'm in, away from everyone in this room.

Maybe its because I'm older, maybe its a new found lack of interest, but I just feel more and more distant from everything (baring a couple of things, like time with family & tash). I love time with my friends, but I prefer the comfort of a pub or a home.

Same applys for most things in life. I love my college mates, but every day I just feel further and further away and behind from the course. Its not going any where and I just don't feel it any more. I don't connect with the other gears.

I wish I would stop feeling like this. I'm not this down when my mind is occupied, its as soon as I have a moment to slip away. I start feeling that need for change. For life to be how I want it to be.

I don't want to live where I do, I don't want to study what I'm studying, I don't want to be as known as I am (hence why I love cardiff, I'm anonymous there), I don't want to work in retail.

I love the team I work with, we work so well together. We have our moments, but when the stress is low, we work so well together! This is both uni and work.

I just feel like I'm settling for second best. I'm in a rut that deepens every day. I don't like it and I want it to change. But if I move I might regret it through debt. If I change course it might be too different and hard. I want the change but scared of the consequences.

But how do I get all this? How do I get everything I want from life? Many people would be jelous of what I have, an easy course, good paying job, good car and the love of the most beautiful woman I've ever met, but its not all what I want. Apart from the love and possibly the car, I want it all to change...
I don't know.

What has our educational system come to?

Why is our education system failing us?

Back in the day, education was a very strict thing, which pushed you hard and made sure you didnt mis-behave. Where is that now?

Since I left primary school, I have been failed by the educational system . High school was ok, but the level of education wasn't really up to scratch with other schools. But, the times I had there were amazing, I met some fantastic people there, and continued good friendships from primary school there (one of them is following me on here now :P).

Sixth Form was a complete joke. I don't want to blow my own trumpet, but when it comes to computers, I'm fairly knowledgeable. Enough to get me through A level. However, I managed to fail with a U, also got a U in Physics and Biology. The only lesson i got a mark in was General Studies! A lesson that I got kicked out of because I wanted to speak about beer rather than the industrial revolution. I also used it as good time to play MGS Portable + on PSP...

After these terrible marks at the end of the first year, I went to college to study ICT at BTEC Level 3. This was ok, but it ended up with one of the teachers being forced to resign due to his incompetence to teach people on our level.

After passing that course with D,M,M, It was time to progress into university. At this time I was split between HND at Stafford Uni through the college campus I was at, or Cardiff university (possibly Glamorgan). I was talked out of moving my my college tutors, saying that I would be able to sink my teeth into the HND course, and that I will struggle with it. My My, wasn't I taken as a fool!

My problem is this; I cannot work when the load is too easy. If an assignment is too easy, I cant focus, I cant put my heart and soul into it like I would if it was challenging. I began making assignments harder just so I would do them, Leave them till last minute, do it the hard way instead etc.

The HND course is EASIER than the BTEC course. Lectures involve me sat in a room for2 hours playing either GTA on my iTouch, or Diablo on my netbook. This, ok, may seem a bit bad, but when one of the subjects is PRIMARY SCHOOL ADDITION(including "carry the 1") I think im allowed to distract myself.

I have expressed my concern a couple of times now, only the last time actually has had some effect. Todays lecture involved an seemingly senile old man talk at us like we were just some pre-evolved matter that hadn't quite developed a brain yet. To some of us, the lecture was easy as it is subjects we have covered in the past (logic gates), but to some its all new.

One student asked the lecturer to go over one part again and to draw it out on the board as he was unfamiliar with the subject. Which, in my eyes, is fair enough. In the lecturers eyes though, it was pointless. His response to this,as a professional was:
"There is no point, it is easy, there are notes on blackboard, and I'd rather not go through it and draw it out"

Now, I would understand if we were running out of time, but he managed to get 2 hours of lectures into 45 minutes, leaving an hour and 15 minutes spare. His pure laziness and inability to teach is at fault here, and it has caused quite an uproar. The other main point that is causing uproar is that WE ARE FUCKING PAYING FOR THIS COURSE! AT LEAST TEACH US PROPERLY!

Now, by this point I had already complained to three people about this, one being my tutor, one being another teacher and one being the course co-ordinator for our campus They know how I felt before this incident. But after that I was livid. No student should be shot down like that for their own incompetence as a teacher.
(Side note - This is the same teacher who is actually working things out during the lecture because he doesn't know the subject properly himself.  He also has little quotes like "This is the way i know it, it probably wont work for you so use your own". Marvellous but this is things we don't know about fancy teaching us for a change?)

So now its come down to this - I am ready to move universities, I have an appointment booked with careers to help me find the right course to move to. I also have a meeting booked with the big three leaders of the course to express how bad the course is, as they dont seem to have a clue. More and more of the group are starting to think about leaving the course. People dont want to come in any more, people arn't turning up to lectures or tutorials because the content and teaching is awful.
(That being said, there are a few brilliant lecturers, 3 know how I feel about all this, thats how good they are, I can trust them even with all of this bullshit going on).

Just feels like a massive failure this year. Hopfully there is light at the end of this tunnel, but I am desperate now to escape this trap.

Thanks for the lies, false promises and lack of competence Lichfield&Stafford, Thanks a fucking bunch.


If you have had a bad experience with education, please share it in the comments section. I would love to see how it is failing others than myself. Also, any HND students in my group who read this, feel free to post a comment on what you want saying at the meeting with the big 3 (not naming names on here like).

(Apologies for spelling, grammar etc in this post, my bloody "powerboard" wireless keyboard is messing up. Keeps just doing its own thing :/

Also, this entry may jump from one point to another and not flow very well. My mind is all over the place at the moment with worry and a bit of stress about all the above points. I find blogging a good way of getting my mind in order, by getting it out in a mess and re-reading it :P)

Society on its knees...

I hate feeling like this. 

It's always when I've been out in a club and not drank. 

I analyse people(outside if my group) and it begins to bring me down. I'm all for a good night with the boys (or girls), and if you or a mate pulls, great! But don't have pulling as your reason to go out. Watching the dance floor is like watching some pre-historic breeding ground where the males try and show off how manly and how perfect they are to become a father, and women tart themselves up to not be pretty and nice, but to show they are fair game, the perfect genes to become a mother. There is no love, no feelings, its just fucking. That's all it is. It feels the our society now revolves around anti-social behaviour, dis-respect, hatred for one another and fucking. Men do not appreciate or respect women as they should be. 

It seems to be more about the value of the piece of meat, how curvy their arse is, how slim they are, how big their tits are, rather than how stable the person is, if they are a nice person, and their views on life. Don't get me wrong, I'm no angel, I'm not exempt from these things. If a girl is nice looking she's more likely going to get a second look than a munter, but in reality, the less nice looking one would probably be the nicer person. But no one see's this. People are all too happy to point the finger at the "fatty" and laugh, instead of possibly talking to them, and getting to know them.

And girls! Your not innocent yourselves! Have more self respect. I don't care what issues you have in life, slagging it around is not going to save you. You just become another piece of meat at the breeding ground cattle market. Respect yourselves and the respect of others will follow.

And even if the world feels like its ending, alcohol is not the cure. Getting fucked up to forget only caused horrific headaches and the worst come down ever, as reality hits home the fact that 50 quid binge has not solved anything, and possibly made things worse. I just wish more people would see that there is more to life than drinking, fighting, and fucking. The love of a beautiful woman(or man) ( and I mean as a person) is the single most greatest high someone can experience. There is more in this world than waiting for the next weekend to get wrecked on.

And I know I'm no role model, I'm not the perfect gentleman, I try where I can but I'm not, but christ, it feels like I'm part of a dying breed. I have no interest in the fighting, drinking,fucking life style. If I go for a drink, its pub time with the lads. If its fighting I'd rather walk away, and when it comes to sex, only one person comes close. No cheating or sleeping around thank you. I just wish more of society would mature past these pre-historic urges of territory and shagging. 

In the beginning...

Guess I should post an opening blog post.

I'm Leigh, 20, male and from the UK.

I plan to post up any rants and raves I need to get out of my mind instead of spewing it over facebook. Myspace had a nice blog, but alas I am no long 12, and not from the early naughties.

Anything from my old posts I find that are recycleable will be added here, but not any old crap. no, this is fresh place to get my every day stress out to.

I will also post up anything I find interesting; hacks,mods,new technology, rumours etc.

So yeah

Enjoy the blog